Jumping to Conclusions
No author writes something hoping no one reads it. I have been blogging for several years and appreciate my readers’ level of support.
The email posting service I use – Constant Contact – notifies me whenever someone either subscribes or unsubscribes. Of course, I hate to see someone leave, but I get it. My inbox consistently receives 100-200 messages a day. Since I can’t possibly read and process all those, I periodically drop some feeds.
A few years ago, Constant Contact informed me that Dan, a top leader of a ministry group I was heavily involved with, unsubscribed. I have to say, I was a bit miffed. I had spent countelss hours working with that group and also made major financial contributions. However, in the months preceding the “unsubscribe,” I felt a bit of tension with the group. There had been numerous opportunities for me to jump in on some projects for which I was very qualified, but I was ignored, which made me a bit resentful. Seeing his “unsubscribe” just added to my negative feelings, but I didn’t say anything to anyone in the group.
But I was ticked! After all I had done for them, Dan couldn’t even tolerate an occasional email notice in his inbox? Instead of unsubscribing, he just could have ignored them and left them unread.
A few weeks later, I was scrolling through my subscriber list in Constant Contact and stumbled across Dan’s name. And then something caught my eye. I saw he actually had TWO registered email addresses – one ministry and one personal. His unsubscribe was for just one of them, keeping the other address active.
Oh, that’s quite different! He wasn’t ditching me after all.
I felt ashamed that I had let my feeling of being overlooked cloud my interpretation of Dan’s action.
There are four ways I could have responded to his change of status action:
Angrily communicate my disappointment to Dan
Not say anything but let my negative feelings boil below the surface
Calmly initiate a conversation, asking questions rather than making accusations
Conclude that this wasn’t a big deal and get on with life
Our decisions are informed by past experiences. It’s not unreasonable to let your prior interactions with someone color how you feel about them. You can notice others’ conduct and draw reasonable conclusions about who they are and how they’re likely to act in the future. However, how you let those observations influence your behavior to them matters. Although we are not to be naïve babes in the woods – never following up when we detect that something is amiss – neither are we to lash out whenever we don’t get our way or feel snubbed.
As Jesus was sending his disciples out on a preaching and healing mission, he instructed them to be as wise as serpents but as innocent as doves (Matthew 10:16). This dual admonition to astuteness tempered by gentleness should also govern our behavior.
I could have angrily confronted Dan, pointing out how much I had done for this group and walked away from their ministry. However, since I had little direct operational interaction with this with him, I didn’t feel this issue rose to the level of needing intervention. If this had been a problem with a co-worker with whom I interacted all the time, I would have taken the third option listed above: try to resolve the situation respectfully and tactfully.
What is your default reaction when you feel slighted? Do you jump to conclusions and lash out? Do you ignore the issue and let it fester? Or do you gently pursue a resolution?