Tone-Deaf
Promise Keepers was one of the most significant spiritual movements of the 1990s. During a four-year period, the organization hosted 50 stadium events which an estimated 2,000,000 men attended. I was blessed to have been at three arena events and also the 1997 Stand in the Gap rally at the National Mall in Washington, DC.
The top-notch presenters helped draw thousands. However, there was one speaker at the 1996 Atlanta meeting who bothered me. His main point was that we should redouble our involvement with our kids. At one point, as he asked us to pray for his son, he got so emotional that he broke down in tears.
I wondered what this young man was facing that caused his dad to “lose it” in front of thousands of men. Was he an alcoholic? Was he a drug addict? Was he sitting in jail somewhere? Was he living on the streets in a dangerous inner city?
No. What caused the speaker to break down was a tough decision his son had to make. Should he go into mission work right now or delay direct ministry by going to seminary to become a pastor.
That was it? Really? That’s what caused the tears?
I’m certain that among the 15,000 attendees, hundreds either had pregnant 15-year-old daughters or were going through nasty divorces or hadn’t seen their children in years because of their rank sinful behavior before they came to faith. And this guy was in tears over his son’s “tormenting” decision about how to best serve God?
Maybe I’m being too hard on him, but I fear his insensitivity caused many guys with serious family problems to lose heart. If he had acknowledged their pain, it would have been taken some of the edge off his tone-deafness. Because I was so taken aback by the nature of his prayer request, I don’t recall whether or not he said anything like that.
Even Job’s friends who concluded that his suffering was actually God’s retribution for some hidden sins had enough sensitivity to recognize his pain and enter his world. “. . . (T)hey sat on the ground with him seven days and nights, but no one spoke a word to him because they saw his suffering was very intense” (Job 2:13).
This shows true empathy and offsets to some extent their tone-deafness of attributing Job’s excruciating pain to his sin.
So how do you interact sensitively with hurting people? Here are some suggestions:
Don’t go on and on about your wonderful Hawaiian vacation to a single mom who isn’t sure she can pay next month’s rent.
Think twice before showing your daughter’s prom pictures to the dad with an autistic daughter who has never been asked out on a date.
Don’t brag about your promotion to a neighbor who has been out of work for six months.
I’m not saying you have to avoid these topics altogether. Just temper your discussion by thinking how you would feel if the tables were reversed.
And one last thing. Never quote Romans 8:28 about God working all things together for good to someone whose wife was just killed in a terrible accident. By God’s grace, he may eventually embrace that verse, but give him time to get there on his own.
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Have you ever had someone say the wrong thing to you while you were in a bad spot? How did that affect you?
How easy is it for you to empathize with other people’s problems? What can you do to increase your sensitivity to others?
Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15