Part 2 – Some Christians Miss 2/3 of the Definition of This Word

Last time, I discussed how Christians sometimes correctly understand part of how to apply the definition of “grace” but miss a second aspect. Here’s what they get right:

Meaning 1 – Grace is the basis through which your sins are forgiven and you can begin a relationship with God.

Here’s the part that sometimes gets overlooked.

Meaning 2 – Grace is the basis of your continued relationship with God after you have come to know Jesus. If you try to slavishly follow rules – some of which are not in the Bible – you are either trying to appease or placate God or trying to impress him with your good behavior. This is not living by grace.

But there is a third meaning that is also often lost.

Meaning 3 – Grace describes how you should always treat all people, even those with whom you strongly disagree.

Jesus said that loving our neighbor is right up there with loving God. Here is just a small sample of the many Bible verses that urge acting with grace toward grace others:

• Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt so that you may know how to answer everyone (Colossians 4:6).

• Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse (Romans 12:14).

• Do not repay anyone evil for evil (Romans12:17).

• “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9).

• “You have heard that it was said, ‘love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. . .” (Matthew 5:43-44).

Living this out gets tricky. Not every one of your neighbors will agree with you. Some may even hate you. Acting graciously is especially challenging if someone’s positions obviously violate God’s standards.

Some Christians feel compelled to passionately– and sometimes angrily – call out people who promote obvious sin. They fear that if they don’t, they are implicitly condoning sin. We should take strong stands on various cultural issues by clearly, firmly, and rationally presenting biblical perspectives. But we should do so with grace, without spiraling into name-calling or hateful words.

The most divisive, polarized decade in our country’s entire history was the 1860s. The bloody Civil War, in which an estimated 620,000 Americans lost their lives, was followed by the equally contentious Reconstruction era where both sides had to grapple with mending the unprecedented divide.  

President Abraham Lincoln’s Second Inaugural Address, delivered a month before the Civil War ended, is widely considered one of the greatest American speeches of all time. In Christian History and Biography magazine, Robert C. White, Jr. comments:

Lincoln’s address provides a model for how Christians can speak of faith and politics together. First, he began by expressing respect for the positions of each side, even those whom his audience would deem the enemy. Second, he grounded his thinking in the Bible, using the Bible not simply as an illustration but as a foundation for his political arguments. Third, he affirmed that God acts in history. . . . Fourth, Lincoln was comfortable with ambiguity. . . . Finally, he spoke not in arrogance but in winsome humility. In the final paragraph of the Second Inaugural, Lincoln offered the ultimate surprise. Instead of rallying his supporters in the name of God to support the war, he asked his listeners, quietly, to imitate the ways of God.

These godly principles ooze grace and are truly brilliant. I can think of no better prescription in today’s world for graciously interacting with those with whom we disagree. John 1:17 states that grace and truth came through Jesus. Both grace and truth are crucial. Grace without truth degenerates into sentimentalism and an “anything goes” mentality. Truth without grace results in harsh judgmentalism.

Many Christians would go to the mat to defend definition 1 of “grace” – the basis of their salvation – but they often ignore or downplay the other two facets. Is this true of you?

May we all fully embrace all three aspects of the word “grace.”

The Power of Questions: 3 Examples

Scenario 1:

“You sure can find a dark lining in any silver cloud.” So said a fellow member of our church’s spiritual formation strategy committee. Although I liked the concept the group was discussing, I had just pointed out a possible downside no one had mentioned. Essentially, this gentleman’s message was, “You should keep your negativity to yourself.” I did. I didn’t say anything for the rest of the meeting.

Certainly, I’m not right about every thought that pops in my head. However, as someone who spent nine years in fulltime Christian ministry and as a senior corporate executive with strong analytical/strategic thinking skills, I had considerable experience with the topic under discussion. And I wanted to caution the group about a possible oversight.

I’m perfectly fine with people pushing back on my ideas, but instead of dropping a bomb like this guy did, he should have, first of all, softened his rhetoric and, then, followed up with a question to make sure he really understood my point – something like this: “It sounds like you think this is a bad idea. Am I misreading that?”

That would have given me the chance to clarify the fact that, although I thought the idea on the table was basically solid, there was a consideration that was potentially being overlooked. His question would have invited me to make clear a thought that may not have been perfectly worded without dismissing me.

So, the first power aspect of questions is their ability to invite clarification without alienating others.

Scenario 2:

“Do you think more kids will want hamburgers than hotdogs?” he asked. “What do you think?”

I was a rookie band camp dad helping a veteran band dad prepare lunch for the kids during a summer practice. “The kids should be here around 11:30. When do you think we should start grilling?” “Do these burgers look done to you? What do you think?” He must have asked my opinion on ten different issues.

Now, the other dad had manned the grill numerous times before and almost certainly didn’t really need my input. But I genuinely appreciated his desire to ask my opinion. That made me feel I was truly part of the process.

So, a second power use of questions is their ability to draw others in and give them a sense of ownership.

Scenario 3:

“So, how was your weekend,” I asked my friend over Panera bagels. “Well, not so hot. My wife and I got into an argument about her wanting to buy a rototiller for her garden. It’s only about 20’ x 12’, and I can turn the soil over with a shovel in about an hour. I don’t mind doing that, but she says a rototiller would do a better job. The cheapest one I found at Home Depot is $300.”

He continued, “Have you heard of the book The $64 Tomato? It could have been written about our garden. Every year she spends hundreds of dollars on soil amendments, fertilizer, fencing, pesticide, plants, seeds, and deer deterrent (which is very expensive and has to be refreshed whenever it rains). I’m glad she loves gardening, but the yield is pretty modest (hence the $64 tomato), and I don’t think it’s smart to spend $300 for something I could do almost as well for no money. She didn’t agree. So, it was a pretty icy weekend.”

After expressing empathy over his situation, I asked, “What do you think would happen if, early in the spring, you two sat down and looked at projected expenses over the summer – kids’ camps and activities, vacation plans, any unusual household expenses, etc. – and agreed on how much was available for the garden? If you agreed that she could comfortably spend, say, $400 on the garden, she could use that any way she wanted to. She might have to cut down elsewhere if she decided to buy the $300 rototiller.”

“Well, I never thought of that. That’s a pretty good idea. It just might work,” he responded.

Essentially, I was making a suggestion, but I offered it as a question instead of a statement. As he processed this new idea, he had to think through how his wife might react. Even if it was a bad idea, it would have given him something to mull over, and it could have prompted a somewhat different and even better approach. In either case, he would be moving off dead center.

Another advantage of posing the idea as a question was that I didn’t come across as overly directive and a know-it-all.

So, the third power of questions is their ability to draw people into problem solving in a way that statements might not.

Jesus himself often incorporated questions into his teaching:

·       Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matthew 6:27)

·       Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? (Luke 11:11)

·       Which of these do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers? (Luke 10:36)

Shouldn’t we follow Jesus’ example?

And did you notice how I phrased this last suggestion as a question?  😊

The Best Way to Get Someone to Change Their Ways

As we dove into our burgers and fries, my friend Chase and I were getting caught up after not having seen each other for a few months. He had been in our Friday morning men’s group but had to pull back because of a job change, other work pressures, a move to a new house, and the demands generated by a very active household.

Covid compounded the problem by halting both the men’s group’s and out church’s in-person meetings. Even though our church is now back in full swing, because Chase’s family includes high Covid-risk individuals, his family continues to stream the services instead of attending in person.

When Chase admitted feeling somewhat isolated, I commented, “You really need to get more involved with other Christians again.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I paused and said, “Let me rephrase that: ‘Getting together in person with others is really important, and I don’t want you to miss out on what that can do for you.’”

The reason I revised my suggestion was that I had just concluded my blog series from a couple of months ago on legalism. That series was motivated by a TV sermon where the pastor – who typically imparts rule after rule after rule – was adding to his long “you must” list. My comment to Chase made me realize I was sounding a bit like the heavy-handed pastor, something I certainly didn’t want to do.

I wanted Chase to fully experience the joys of getting together with other believers to both give and receive encouragement, to grow in his faith, and to maximize his spiritual leadership of his family. I honestly didn’t want him to miss out on that.

Pointing a boney finger at someone makes them feel that you’re trying to “fix” them. By contrast, painting an enticing picture of what can be and then inviting the other person to step into that is far more attractive.

Isn’t that exactly what Jesus did as he likened life in the kingdom to the joy of finding a buried treasure or an extremely valuable pearl? He also promised rest for the weary and relief from the burdens of life. Of course, he was brutal to the religious leaders who were adding legalistic burdens to their converts, making them “twice as much a child of hell as you are yourselves” (Matthew 23:15). But the fact that he attracted so many “outcasts” testifies to the effectiveness of his positive message of grace and love, and the need to be forgiven and changed. The “I don’t want you to miss out” approach is far more likely to win over someone’s heart than is the “beat someone into submission” method.

There are a few caveats, though:

·       Just because your approach is gentle, you mustn’t throw out God’s standards or condone sin. God calls us to lifestyles that reflect his holy nature.

·       This approach is most effective with people with whom you have a decent relationship. It’s far harder when you are estranged from someone. But even then, trying to communicate that you want the best for the other person never hurts.

·       Parents often have to be more heavy-handed with their children than they can be with peers and colleagues. But even when you must lower the boom, it’s most helpful if you can convey that your motivation is wanting the best for your child, not making their lives miserable.

·       Sometimes tough love is necessary, especially if the other person suffers from addiction or some other major dysfunction.

So, next time you encourage someone to make a change, consider how you can communicate that your primary motive is wanting them to not miss out on all God has for them.

If You Are a High Achiever, You Must Read This

High achievers are incredible! They drive many of the breakthroughs that propel science, medicine, business, and the arts forward. Virtually every book targeted to high achievers touts the value of setting goals and sticking to them, no matter what.

In my last blog, I stressed the importance of starting with goals at the “right” level, that is recognizing that in the long run, developing character is more important than achieving the objective immediately in front of you. It isn’t always necessary to choose between the two, but if you must pick, the former should always prevail.

This time, I’d like to explore a related concept.

Richard Dreyfuss starred in the 1995 movie Mr. Holland’s Opus. The word “opus” is related to the Latin word for “work” and is used to catalog classical music composers’ bodies of work. So, for example, Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony in C minor is tagged his opus 67.

The movie traces the career of Glenn Holland, an aspiring classical composer who is forced become a music teacher at Kennedy Highs School in Oregon to support his family. His true life’s passion is getting An American Symphony, the orchestral piece he composed, published and recognized as the fine piece of music he believes it to be. Unfortunately, his composition remains obscure, and after 30 years of teaching, budget cuts force his retirement.

Unbeknownst to him, his former students get wind of his involuntary retirement and secretly gather to celebrate his enormous contribution to their personal lives by surprising him with the first public performance of An American Symphony. In true Hollywood fashion, even though the students were mediocre musicians in high school and probably haven’t touched their clarinets in decades, their performance is worthy of the London Metropolitan Orchestra. As a matter of fact, the London Metropolitan Orchestra did perform the piece on the film’s soundtrack.

The movie’s lesson is obvious. Rather than being his treasured musical piece, Mr. Holland’s true “opus” or work is the profound impact he had on hundreds of students over the many years of his career.

If you are a high achiever, you undoubtedly have set you sights on some pretty significant accomplishments. That’s awesome! You very well could revolutionize key aspect of your professional realm. But I hope your true opus will be like Mr. Holland’s – the positive impact you have had those you have known along the way. Unfortunately, many of us have lived or worked with people who are practically idolized within their professions because of their accomplishments but have left trails of fractured relationships and bitterness in their wakes.

That’s not who I want to be. I’ve had my share of success in “visible” things like my career and public ministry. But I also have the privilege of meeting regularly one-on-one with about 12 – 15 younger guys. I don’t share this to “brag,” but three of them have told me that my meeting with them has literally been lifechanging. And a few years ago, two of them, who grew up without dads, sent me very special messages on Father’s Day. It doesn’t get any better than that! These guys, along with my family – and not my business or ministry “successes” – are my real “opus.”

Of course, there is no rule of the universe that declares that someone can’t simultaneously achieve great things and be a kind, loving human being. But you can be blinded by the spotlight of success, and I urge you to give preference to seeing your true life’s work as the lives you’ve changed for the better and the positive relationships you’ve nurtured over the years.

This objective reminds me of the best definition of success I have ever heard – “When those who know you the best, love you the most." At your funeral, will there be more talk about your genius as a business leader, your oratory skills as a pastor, your brilliance as a musician, or about the way you reflected God’s love to the people you met throughout your life?