Two Things that Are Not Instant

Mezquita-Cathedral in Cordoba, Spain

As I’m writing this, my wife Annette and I are flying back from Madrid after two great weeks in eastern and southern Spain, our sixth or seventh trip to this wonderful country. Before each visit, I break out my high school Spanish textbook to reactivate the foreign language brain cells.

In college, I studied in Madrid for four months during which time I would occasionally dream in Spanish – a sign of true fluency. I also became certified to teach high school Spanish, and at one time I would have rated myself a 7 or 8 on a 10-point fluency scale. Today. I’m a 5 or 6 at best.

Unfortunately, once Spanish-speakers discover I’m pretty fluent, they often assume I can understand everything they say and start speaking as if they were a finalist is the “See How Many Words You Can Get Out in a Minute” contest. Not helpful.

During this trip I referred to my digital Spanish-English dictionary several times a day to look up technical words we encountered, and I learned the Spanish words for “drought,” “sickle,” “shortbread,” and (believe it or not) “Smurf.”

Somehow, a few months ago Face Book figured out we were going to Spain, so I have been flooded with offers to “learn Spanish in just 30 days” or “become conversational in just 10 minutes a day.” I doubt that any of these courses teach you the word for “Smurf.”

Residents of other countries love it when you at least try to speak a few words, but really feeling “at home” with a new language takes much more than casual study.

I learned this the hard way on my first trip to Europe while in college. Since I had a postcard to mail from Ulm, Germany, I decided to apply my one semester of college German to find a mailbox. After consulting my German-English dictionary, I patched together the German for, “Where is the postbox?” which I confidently asked the hotel desk clerk. He proceeded to deluge me with four rapid-fire German sentences, none of which I understood. It hadn’t occurred to me that if you ask a question in German, you will get an answer in German.

So, implying any truly conversational fluency in 30 days is optimistic at best. The fact that I’m only 5 or 6 in my Spanish fluency with my extensive background illustrates that language acquisition isn’t instantaneous.

I know this is disappointing in a day where “instant” is almost a given. I can “instantly” message anyone across the globe or “instantly” create an object using 3-D printing. So why not “instantly” learn a new language?

But it doesn’t work that way.

Nor does it when it comes to growing in your faith. Of course, anyone can start a relationship with Jesus the moment they recognize that their sin has separated them from God and that trusting in Jesus’ death and Resurrection is the only remedy. It’s free, and it’s available to everyone.

But some people who have been Christians for years lament the fact that they don’t know more about understanding the Bible, growing in their faith, grasping theology, or knowing church history. Well, how do you excel in anything:  a new language, tennis, piano? By study, diligent work and persistence. Why should it be any different with your walk with Jesus and knowledge of the faith?

You master Spanish by devoting yourself to memorizing vocabulary words, studying grammar rules, working on your pronunciation, and practicing your conversational skills. Historically, things that have helped Christians grow are reading the Bible, memorizing important verses, spending time in prayer, attending worship services, meeting with other Christians, sharing their faith, investigating church history, and studying theology.

Disclaimer! I am not listing these activities as yet another set of burdens or requirements. Anyone who knows me knows I hate anything that smacks of legalism:  doing good things so God will think more highly of you. What I’m pointing out is that people find the time to pursue the things they really care about. You don’t accidentally become fluent in Spanish. Nor do you accidentally become fluent in all things Christian. The latter takes motivation and determination empowered by the Holy Spirit. Rather than guilting you, I’m trying to challenge you to consider if you need to step up your game when it comes to deepening your understanding of the faith and your walk with Jesus.

And beyond this encouragement, let me recommend that if you ever have the chance to visit Spain, do it!

What Lies Beneath the Surface Can Be Surprising

During my 19 years as Executive Vice President at Georgia Hospital Association, I often met with senior leaders of other state hospital associations. One such trip took me to Austin, home of the University of Texas. My book That’s a Great Question:  What to Say When your Faith Is Challenged had recently come out, and because I knew I was going to be in Austin, I contacted one of the UT campus ministries about possibly introducing the concepts in my book to their students. I was pleased that they invited me to speak at their graduate student monthly meeting.

During the meal that preceded my presentation, I met several students and was highly impressed by their highly specialized academic disciplines:  molecular biology, forensic science, quantum physics, and some I had never heard of. I chatted at length over dinner with one young man who detailed the rigorous research requirements for his Ph.D. in genetics. I felt somewhat intimidated at the thought of addressing such a highly educated group and felt relief when my talk was well-received.

As I was packing up, the ministry leader commented that he noticed my dinner conversation with the genetics student. “I was amazed at his intellect and determination,” I commented. “Well, there’s something about him you don’t know,” he said. “About two months ago, even though he is Christian, he attempted suicide after a difficult romantic break-up. He spent several days in an inpatient facility, and although he’s doing better now, he’s still pretty fragile.”

This was one of those moments when the world seemed to shift on its axis. His unseen struggle was worlds away from my somewhat self-centered fear that I might not come across as a qualified speaker. I realized that despite his impressive accomplishments and the shiny façade of academic excellence, he – just like all the other scholars – has the same emotional and spiritual needs that everyone else has.

I’ve had thousands of spiritual conversations over my decades as a Christian, and I can confidently say that I have never met a single person – even the most seemingly “together” people – who doesn’t have some kind of deep personal, medical, vocational, financial, emotional, inter-personal, or some other kind of need. This realization has two implications:

·       Although I should certainly act respectfully and if appropriate express great admiration for even the most impressive people – and everyone else for that matter – there is no reason to grovel. Recognizing that the other person undoubtedly has some kind of deep need, even if it is not obvious, puts me on equal footing with them as a fellow human.

·       The awareness that the other person has needs means that I could potentially have a ministry to them. Jesus has changed my life, and he can do the same for them. But I must approach the opportunity humbly, recognizing my own feet of clay. This allows me to empathize with their circumstances and weaknesses. Of course, I must respect their privacy and should only attempt this type of relationship if I am invited to do so. And I certainly will not have an opportunity to get personal with everyone I meet. Nor should I try to.

Try to keep these thoughts in mind as you interact with others on a daily basis. Not every encounter will lead to a ministry opportunity, but you may be surprised at the impact you can have on others if you stay alert for openings.

Why Did I Treat These Two Harmonica Students So Differently?

During my graduate school years, I gave harmonica lessons both as diversion from the rigors of study and as a way to generate a bit of income. For the most part, it was a real pleasure teaching aspiring players and introducing them to various harp styles:  blues, rock, bluegrass and country.

But after teaching for a while, I had one student who absolutely did me in. Although he was a very nice person, he had zero musical talent. Even worse, he never practiced and spent about 10 minutes of each lesson apologizing for not having worked on the material and promising to do better for next week. He never did, so he stayed terrible. I never knew that 30 minutes could last so long, and I (privately) dubbed him, “The Man Who Made Time Stand Still.” In the end, realizing that challenging him was pointless, I just “tolerated” my time with him. After he drifted away, I decided to quit giving lessons altogether.

But a few years ago, two guys approached me about taking lessons. Because they had been referred by a musician friend of mine, I agreed to take them on. Both were good, but one was outstanding – the best student I ever had. He intuitively “got it,” worked hard, and made amazing progress. He also showed remarkable initiative by attempting on his own some advanced things I had demonstrated but told him we wouldn’t get to till much later.

Once I realized this guy’s natural talent and drive, I began throwing some pretty difficult material his way. Although I was always encouraging and tactful, I found myself being rather demanding, saying things like, “That was pretty good, but I know you can do better.” I kept pushing him to his limits. In reality, my toughness toward him was a compliment. I saw his commitment and innate aptitude and wanted to help maximize his abilities.

Shouldn’t this dynamic inform how I look at the hardships in my life? Several friends have suffered incredibly difficulties and challenges not of their own making. In talking with them, I see how God has used their rough circumstances to grow their faith and “call the question” about how much they truly trust him. And they’re better for it.

Last May, I wrote a blogpost called, “Is God Paying You a Compliment?” describing how I planted a dozen specimens of the same shrub in front of our house. I knew some would enjoy full sunshine while others would likely struggle in complete shade. I made sure to pick the heartiest plants for the harshest conditions.

Both the shrubs in the shade and my excellent harp student found themselves in their challenging circumstances because of their strength. I knew they could handle the stress.

The next time you face tough situations, consider whether God might be allowing them because he knows that you can take it and wants you to reach your full personal and spiritual potential. Realizing this can transform your attitude toward hardships. Remember that that there may be various reasons for challenges, and you can’t always figure out the “why” of your adversity. But I hope you see that your struggles are designed to strengthen you and enhance your faith.

As You Plan, Don’t Forget the “G Factor”

Some financial planners say the word “retirement” isn’t in most people’s vocabularies until they’re in their forties – typically the first time they get serious about retirement planning.

When Annette and I hit that decade, we took stock of our progress. We were in decent shape, but I wasn’t sure if we were completely on track. This caused us to look at how to close the gap. The most likely possibilities were:

• I could potentially get a new job that either paid more or had a better retirement program.

• Either Annette or I could work additional years which would both allow us to add to our retirement savings and reduce the number of years in retirement (meaning our savings would last longer).

I didn’t have any likely job prospects on the horizon, and, although we didn’t have specific target dates for retirement, we weren’t excited about the thought of prolonging our working years.

This led us to brainstorm about some additional options. Disclaimer:  Some of these are far-fetched, and a couple are downright apocalyptic.

• Perhaps my going-in assumptions were overly conservative, meaning our situation was actually more favorable than my modeling projected.

• We had a distant family member with considerable resources. PERHAPS, some of that wealth would eventually come our way.

• There was always the possibility of an inheritance.

• Although we didn’t play the lottery, occasionally someone would give us a ticket. MAYBE one of them would result in a windfall.

And now here are the more extreme scenarios:

• Perhaps both Annette and I would die before retirement age, thereby eliminating altogether the need for retirement income.

• Perhaps the entire economy would collapse, in which case, no amount of planning or saving would ultimately matter.

• Perhaps Jesus would return before we retired.

Admittedly, these last few are highly improbable, but they WERE remote possibilities. For the record, I don’t recommend counting on Jesus’ return as your primary retirement strategy.

This analysis of our situation was a bit discouraging, even somewhat depressing. And it prompted at least some worry. Although we thoroughly believe God controls absolutely every circumstance of our lives, I couldn’t help just a little fretting.

I’m all for realistic analysis. However, as you plan, you should never overlook the “G Factor” – the God Factor. Despite your best planning, you really can’t control the outcome. That’s up to God. The book of Proverbs refers to this numerous times:

• Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails (19:21).

• The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the Lord (21:31).

• Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth (27:1).

Jesus urges us in the Sermon on the Mount to refrain from worrying (Matthew 6:25-34). And in Philippians 4:6-7 the Apostle Paul teaches:  “Do not be anxious for anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will rule your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

This applies even when things are less than ideal or even disastrous. We can sometimes catastrophize the future – assuming the worst will happen – when projections are unfavorable.

I know. It’s easy to say we shouldn’t worry but much harder to practice.  However, God wants you to live that way.

Bottom line:  Plan realistically based on the most likely scenario, do your part to achieve your goals, but never forget that God ultimately controls everything that happens. This means that you have exactly what he wants you to have – no more and no less.

It turns out my assumptions were far too conservative, and we also received some unexpected fiscal blessings, one of which was not even on my list. God has been good to us!

When God Leads You Down a Dead End

On April 21, 2019, VidAngel Studios released Season 1 of the groundbreaking streaming TV series The Chosen. It’s an extremely creative, compelling, and respectful portrayal of Jesus and his followers. If you have not yet seen this series, you should download the free The Chosen app or the Angel Studios app.

After viewing the first episode, Annette and I were thoroughly hooked. We learned in the fall of 2020 that the producers were inviting The Chosen’s fans and supporters to be extras for the Sermon on the Mount episode to be filmed in Dallas in February 2021. Annette and I jumped at the chance!

Each extra was responsible to make their own outfits. The producers sent very specific instructions, and Annette spent several weeks gathering the necessary materials. Because her sewing machine couldn’t handle the project, she even had to buy a new one. All told, she probably spent the better part of a week and close to $500 making the costumes.

Since the filming was right in the middle of Covid-19’s huge surge, all participants had to bring proof of a negative Covid test performed within 72 hours of arrival. Of course, we complied. But guess what? My test came back positive, so the whole thing was off. All that time and money was essentially wasted. Well not entirely. We have killer outfits if we ever have to go to a costume party 😊.

But still, it was a dead end.

This was not the first time a curveball brought what seemed to be a legitimate, God-led venture to a screeching halt. On two separate occasions, some ministry experts unexpectedly approached me about outreach opportunities they were convinced would have a big impact. Because these were unsolicited suggestions by people with proven track records, I overcame my initial skepticism and concluded these initiatives must be from the Lord.  Subsequently, I spent hundreds and hundreds of hours developing each concept.

In the end, they both fizzled and yielded virtually nothing. Dead ends.

How should I interpret these experiences? In all three cases, I felt God was leading me to pursue them. But if that were true, why would he lead me down extremely time-consuming dead ends? 

Of course, no one can read God’s mind. But I believe these experiences are part of our refinement and growth processes. Over the years, I have seen that God often does dramatic and even miraculous things for people when they first come to know Christ. Because his ultimate goal for us is to grow increasingly dependent on him and learn to trust him completely, at some point, he takes the training wheels off to see if we’re only following him because of his dramatic interventions.

This type of testing reveals how well you trust him even when things don’t make sense or go our way. It always helps when – in hindsight – you can look back to figure out what God was trying to accomplish through a confusing circumstance or a disappointment.

Perhaps the best-known example of God’s testing is the request he made of Abraham in Genesis 22.  Even though God promises he will give Abraham countless descendants through his son Isaac and Isaac was still a minor, God tells Abraham to kill him. That makes no sense. How could Isaac be the father of multitudes if he dies so young? Nevertheless, Abraham is willing to obey. But God stops him and even graciously explains what he was up to:  “Do not lay a hand on the boy. . . . Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your only son” (Genesis 22:12).

So, Abraham gets to see what God was really doing. By way of contrast, Job never gets any explanation for the calamities he faces. After Job complains for a couple of chapters about his crushing circumstances, God finally responds, but his answer is, essentially, “Who are you to question me?” That’s all he gets.

This shows that sometimes God gives us a peek behind the curtain, and sometimes he doesn’t. As I said, his ultimate goal is to teach us to trust him more and more. And he orchestrates the circumstances of our lives – including disasters and dead ends – to accomplish that.

Here are a few questions:

• Have you ever felt God led you down a dead-end road?

• If so, how did you react?

• After your initial disappointment, were you able to reach the point of ultimately being OK even if you were never able to understand the “why”?

Leaning Into What You Hate

Fifteen years ago, I had the privilege of joining the Leadership Atlanta Class of 2007. About 70 elected officials, attorneys, health care leaders, judges, not-for-profit organization executives, and other leaders spent a year studying the challenges of Metro Atlanta and attempting to develop actionable solutions.

During one of our day-long sessions, we did a small group team-building exercises where we had to select one of us to crouch down on their knees – similar to the “duck and cover” position from the 1950s air raid drills – and then the rest of the group had to lift that person up, turn them head-over-heels, and return them safely to the ground. The only requirement was that everyone on the team had to have their hands on the person being flipped the whole time.

I immediately saw where this was going. Since about half the group was women, having eight or nine men touching them during the task was a non-starter. And two of the guys looked like they could have been linebackers in college, making them poor candidates to be lifted. So, all eyes immediately turned to the 145-pound, 5’8” guy – me.

Part of me hated the thought of being the “flipee,” but rather than arguing and risk alienating my colleagues, I agreed to be the “chosen one.”

As I crouched down and felt about 15 pairs of hands grab me, I thought, “Well here they go, lifting me up. Now they’re flipping me over, and now a see the ground getting closer, and now I’m back down.” The whole thing lasted about 10 seconds and was somewhat surreal, almost as if I were happening to someone else.

There were two reasons I was able to be so calm:  

·       I knew the group chose wisely

·       I knew that short of freaking out and refusing, I couldn’t wiggle out of the situation

When I accepted the Leadership Atlanta invitation, I agreed to abide by the group’s decisions, and them selecting me was part of the deal.

This “package deal” mentality plays into what I’ve taught about decision-making for years. When it comes to important decisions, after much prayer, thorough research, and input from reliable advisors, I have no choice but to conclude that whatever decision I feel God has led me to has “become” his will. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” Since he knowns about and is completely sovereign over all things, I can know that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING – both the good and the less-desirable – that flows from the decision is part of God’s will.

Lately, I’ve had to remind myself of this. As I reported a couple of months ago. God clearly led us to sell the Georgia house and move fulltime to our Wrightwood, CA house. Of that we have no doubt. But this has meant leaving a 27-year-long comfort zone and stepping into a whole new set of circumstances, most of which are great but some of which I hate.

There’s lots to love:  living near the kids, having a great set of neighbors, finding an awesome church, etc. But then there’s the other side. Our house is at the top of a steep hill on a private road that is not maintained. When it snows, the road becomes a toboggan run free-for-all. I’ve already experienced several white-knuckle descents. Additionally, both the California gas prices and taxes are crazy. But what I hate the most is not being able to regularly see my many Georgia friends. I wish we didn’t have to deal with these situations.

But guess what? We wouldn’t have to if God hadn’t led us here. But he did. So all the negatives are part of the “package deal,” and I can’t change any of it.

You shouldn’t judge the “rightness” of your decisions based on how positive or negative the subsequent circumstances turn out. Instead, you should interpret your circumstances in light of the fact that you have followed the Lord’s leading through the decision-making process.

Submitting to the Leadership Atlanta flipping exercise was the right thing to do. So was moving to Wrightwood. And just as I was able to lean into the flipping – and even to some extent enjoy it – so should I embrace our downhill ice slide and the other issues, recognizing them as part of the “package” God gave us. So instead of resenting the negatives, I can appreciate them for what they are and perhaps learn some things I didn’t even recognize I needed to learn.

How about you? If you are convinced God has you just where he wants you, are you able to accept and even celebrate the speed bumps in your path?

Responding Like a Brat

During my five years in the Cru music ministry, it was always a special treat to visit the home areas of someone in the ministry, and one time we happened to be playing for the Sunday morning service of the music ministry assistant director’s home church in Ohio. And, it just happened that Larry and his family were in town that same weekend. And, it also just happened to be his four-year-old daughter Ashley’s birthday that Sunday.

Admittedly, there might have been a slight “kiss-up” motive in doing this, but we decided to present Ashley with a birthday gift – a cute little kids’ china teapot with matching tea cups. So right before the service, we told Larry we had a gift for Ashley. Larry located her in the elementary kids’ play area where she was fully engaged in cooking a pretend meal – so engaged, in fact, that she didn’t want to stop, even after being asked repeatedly to do so.

“Ashley, can you come here?” Larry asked.

Nothing.

“Ashley, please stop playing and come see Daddy.”

Still nothing,

“Ashley, look at me.  Come here now.”

This time, she looked up and said, “I don’t want to.”

The scene escalated to the point of anger on Larry’s part, tears on Ashley’s, and embarrassment on ours to have to witness this scene. She finally settled down enough so we could present our gift to her, but the joy of the moment had clearly vanished for all of us.

Later that morning, out drummer Stuart connected the dots and wondered out loud how many times we react to God’s gifts the way Ashley did to ours. Here we were, offering her a free gift of something we had picked out especially for her, something we thought she would particularly enjoy. But she was so wrapped up in playing with borrowed toys that she wouldn’t stop long enough to receive a gift she would be able to keep forever if she liked.

In Matthew 7:9-11, Jesus asks:

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

In Ashley’s case, she wasn’t even asking for anything. We were the ones initiating the gift-giving. God gives each of us good gifts every single day:  life, health, food, clothing, relationships, the chance to help others, etc. And then there are the times he blesses us with extra-special little reminders of his presence, things he’s orchestrated to bless us in specific ways, tailored for each of us. 

But you have to be willing to lay down your “borrowed toys” long enough to accept the unique gifts he’s selected just for you. How closely are you listening? How willing are you to respond without hesitation?

When You Get a Preview of Your Own Funeral

Two months ago, Phillip Oh, a fellow church elder, died unexpectedly. At his memorial service three weeks ago, so many people offered loving, heartfelt tributes highlighting Phillip’s impact on their lives that the service lasted two hours.

Eight days later, our pastor Craig Bowler unexpectedly called Annette and me to the very same stage from which Phillip’s friends spoke to pray over us. After 27 years in Georgia, we were about to move to California to be near our kids and grandkids. I don’t typically stand before a couple hundred people boo-hooing, but Craig’s very kind words and the realization that we would be leaving so many dear friends caused both Annette and me to lose it.

Over the last few weeks, people have showered us with incredible expressions of love. I knew how my close friends feel about me, but I was surprised by similar comments from people I barely know. I had no idea that anything I had ever said or done had any impact on them whatsoever.

And as we sifted through boxes of files and keepsakes collected over the decades preparing for the move, I came across some letters from people I hadn’t thought about in years. These notes recounted specific times when God used me to help someone grow in their faith or offer a word of encouragement.

Coincidently, while all this was going on, Pastor Craig hosted a men’s fellowship breakfast to encourage our men to develop solid relationships with other men. To that end, he taped a conversation I had with my best friend Billy Burke. Here’s a link to our brief discussion:

  https://vimeo.com/766626339/bee8d319b4 - Copy and paste into a browser

Billy’s generous words further primed the “encouragement pump,” prompting others who saw the video to come forward with additional words of affirmation.

I’m thankful I didn’t have to wait to die to hear so many encouraging thoughts 😊. Some of you reading this are among the people who offered kind expressions, and for that I sincerely thank you.

As I reflect on the last few weeks, I realize that many loving words are often left unspoken while someone is alive. However, in my case, I was blessed by getting a glimpse of what my funeral might look like.

Here are two takeaways:

1. Be encouraged. Your impact on others is probably greater than you realize. You may never get any specific feedback from that neighbor you helped over the years, those fourth graders in your Sunday School class, that coworker you helped introduce to Jesus, or countless others you have affected over the years. But you have undoubtedly made a difference in many people’s lives.

2. Reach out right now to those who have helped or encouraged you in some special way to thank them. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to learn how God has used me in ways of which I was completely unaware. Don’t wait for that person’s funeral when it’s too late.

Of course, I have no idea when my funeral will be, who will be there, or what they will say. And the fact that Annette and I moved 2,200 miles away from our Georgia friend base means it’s unlikely that many of my old friends will attend. But they don’t have to. They have already blessed me by telling me face to face what I have meant to them. I urge you to go and do likewise.

I Know You Can’t Read It, So Let Me Tell You What This Card Says

The ink has almost completely faded from this somewhat-crumpled, yellowed, water-stained 3x5 card dated September 5, 1972. You can barely make out the important words I wanted to share with you on the card’s fiftieth anniversary. (I missed the actual date by a few weeks because of our unexpected decision to sell our Marietta, GA house several years earlier than we thought. The last month has been a whirlwind!)

The card reads:

Lord Jesus,

Anything

              Anytime

                              Anywhere

  I relinquish all control of my life to you.

And in the upper right-hand corner, I wrote:  “Baptized Sunday, September 12”

This was the fall of my senior year at Syracuse University. (I’ll save you from having to do the math. That makes me 71 years old.) Several of our church’s college students had responded to an invitation to be baptized on September 12, 1972. Initially, I didn’t plan to move forward because I felt I would just be doing it because it was the “thing to do.” However, on the Tuesday before the baptism service, I felt the Lord specifically tell me this was the time.

This card has followed me around the country for the last fifty years and was thumbtacked to a couple of different bulletin boards before finding a more permanent home on the inside lid of the box that holds my keys, coins, and other pocket-paraphernalia. It’s somewhat shocking to see what fifty years does to a formerly crisp, white 3x5 card and solid blue ink. I hope time hasn’t taken a similar toll on my body.

But it’s incredibly encouraging to see what God has done in my life during those same fifty years. I shudder to think where I would be had Jesus not singled me out from among my dysfunctional, emotionally abusive family members to transform me into a (more) stable, healthy person. Although I didn’t have any major self-destructive habits, I certainly had little idea of what loving, selfless living looks like. And I was not on track to find out.

I don’t want to imply that the last half century has been constant bliss characterized by rainbows and butterflies or that I have always instantly appreciated all God was doing in my life. Along with incredible blessings on many, many fronts – including marriage, children, health, ministry, friendships, career, and finances – I have also experienced periods of confusion and disappointment. He has done some things I still don’t understand or particularly like. But, he is God and I’m not, and he sometimes orchestrates things to put me off balance to help me see how I need to trust him in new ways. And for the record, my behavior over the last five decades hasn’t been exactly without question either.

In the end, I have learned what’s truly necessary is trusting God and accepting his will, even in those situations that may not seem to make total sense. Since what I REALLY deserve is condemnation because of my sin, how dare I think that God owes me anything, including justification for his actions? Absolutely everything good thing I have comes from his grace and love, and he has filled my life with great joy and even some miracles.

On this anniversary, I wanted to communicate to you that I have absolutely no regrets about having told God so many years ago that he can have it all. And, if you have never done this, I urge you to consider doing the same.

Is This How You Want to Be Remembered?

Aunt Martha was my mother’s sister’s husband’s sister. Did you follow that? Because she lived fairly far away, we didn’t see her all that often. She passed away many years ago, but here are the three things I remember about her:

• She was a big woman, both physically and personality-wise – the type you didn’t miss when she entered the room.

• ·She drove an early 1960s, fern green, boaty-floaty Chrysler Imperial with rounded tailfins.

• ·When her parents died, she manipulated things so that she cheated the rest of her family out of about $10,000.

The story goes that Aunt Martha took her mother to lunch one day in the late 1960s and on the way home stopped at an attorney’s office to have her mother change her will, making Aunt Martha the sole beneficiary of her estate. Aunt Martha’s brother exploded when he learned this, and he refused to ever speak to her again and forbade the rest of his family to have any contact with her.

Ten thousand dollars was a lot of money back then and would be equivalent to several times that today. I wonder what she did with that money and if she felt her unethical behavior was worth the cost to her relationships and reputation. I’m guessing her financial “mental model” focused almost entirely on trying to maximize money coming in, and she saw changing the will as a way to enhance that.

We often interpret an unanticipated bonus, a surprise birthday check, or an unforeseen class action settlement as a godsend. But God also blesses us by NOT allowing potentially bad things to happen. For example, that time your slammed on your brakes at 65 mph and just missed hitting the car in front of you by four inches could have easily ended in financial loss or, worse, personal injury. Did you acknowledge that as an example of God’s grace?

My point is that people like Aunt Martha can so focus on getting all they can – sometimes by unethical means – that they fail to see the bigger picture how God provides in other ways beyond the cash that makes its way to your checking account. And remember his blessings extend well beyond the monetary to include relationships, enjoyment of his creation, and countless other pleasures of life.

You should also acknowledge that it’s not just money that corrupts. Many people go to great lengths chasing power and prestige. There is nothing inherently wrong with money, power, or influence as long as you pursue them in healthy, appropriate ways. But there is a definite line you can cross when you drift into scheming and selfishness.

People who connive and maneuver for ill-gotten gain live as if God isn’t real. He wants his people to trust him, live in a way that reflects well on him, and bless others. Among the 12 characteristics of people who please God as recorded in Psalm 15 are those who:

• Have a blameless walk

• Do what is righteous

• Don’t wrong other people

• Keep their oaths even when it hurts

Unfortunately, when I think about Aunt Martha, I don’t think she lived that way.

How about you? How well do you live up to Psalm 15’s model?

An Unexpected Encounter with a Sideview Mirror

A couple of months ago while visiting our daughter Stephanie in Orange County, I went for an afternoon run that took me through the scenic Circle in downtown Old Towne Orange. Normally, runners run on the left side of the road to face oncoming traffic, but since I would only be in the Circle for one block before peeling off to a side street, I stayed to the right.

As I ran past a pickup truck that was parked a little further from the curb than necessary, I brushed against its oversized mirror and felt it crunch forward. “Uh-oh,” I thought. “I hope I didn’t bust the mirror.” I knew some sideview mirrors are designed to flip both backwards and forward, but I didn’t know if this one did.

Since I probably have OCD about data and stats, I didn’t want to turn around to check and wreck my running pace. Besides, I reasoned, I didn’t have a pen and paper to leave a note in case the mirror was broken. So, I kept running.

But the more I ran, the more uncomfortable I felt. If the mirror was indeed broken, wouldn’t it be wrong if I didn’t make things right? How would I feel if the tables were turned and it was my vehicle that was damaged and the perpetrator disappeared?  I started calculating how much the repair might cost and I decided I would pay for it from my personal “allowance” category in our family budget.

So, after I returned to Stephanie’s and took a quick shower, I grabbed a pen and paper so I could leave my contact information and tell the truck’s owner to forward any repair bill to me.

 I breathed a sigh of relief when I discovered that that particular truck model sported a fully foldable mirror. So, I popped it back into place and went on my way, relieved that I had done the right thing and that my allowance fund was intact.

In the three weeks following the “mirror incident,” I experienced an unexpected windfall and two separate events that could have resulted in significant financial losses but didn’t.

• I received a letter informing me of a class action settlement that will probably result in a $900 reimbursement for my car’s recent water pump repair.

• ·As I got a block away from the outdoor restaurant where I had a lunch appointment, I discovered my wallet wasn’t in my pocket. I ran back but couldn’t find it. Another diner saw my panic and just then noticed that the wallet had fallen from the table onto the ground. What a relief to retrieve it! Beside the possible loss of cash and credit cards, I would have had a massive task to replace my driver’s license and other important documents.

• After my workout at the gym later that week, I went to the little lockers by the front door where I always put my wallet and discovered that, since the front desk check-in guy had distracted me upon entering, I hadn’t actually set the lock. So it was unlocked the whole time I was at the gym. Anyone could have taken my wallet, but no one had.

Please note, I AM NOT SAYING GOD BLESSED ME IN THESE WAYS BEAUSE I DID THE RIGHT THING BY BEING WILLING TO PAY FOR THE MIRROR. I view the mirror incident and the three positive financial circumstances as somewhat independent everts. Putting it another way, God didn’t “owe” me a blessing because of my correct action about the mirror. These positive circumstances are probably more a reflection of his goodness and grace than a “repayment” for any good deed I might have done.

The bottom line is that we should do the right thing BECAUSE it is the right thing and not to try to earn God’s favor or try to put him in our debt.

What Happens When You Put Gas in a Diesel Car?

During our fourth or fifth trip to Spain, my wife Annette and rented a car at the Madrid airport and over the next two weeks drove to nine smaller cities north and west of the capital city.

As we were eating dinner one night, we met two Catholic nuns who were completely frazzled. Like us, they were motoring through the countryside in a rental car, but they made the fateful mistake of filling their vehicle with gasoline instead of the diesel fuel it required. As a result, their car became totally inoperable, and in addition to bringing their trip to a dead stop, they faced a potentially huge repair bill.

I’m taking a hard turn here, but stick with me. What follows will tie into my story about the nuns.

In my last blog post, I reported that a high official in a large Christian denomination expressed strong opposition to the recent Supreme Court’s reversal of Roe v. Wade. Let me repeat one of her comments:

The right to choose is part of our God-given inalienable rights. As a Christian, the creation story says it’s the right of every human being to have choice – that God gives us choice. GOD DOESN’T EVEN MANDATE WORSHIP. GOD DOESN’T EVEN MANDATE OBEDIENCE TO GOD. Human beings have the right to make these decisions for themselves, and women shouldn’t have to jeopardize their lives because they make such a decision (emphasis added).

One thing that pops out like a flashing neon sign is the way she appeals the creation story to justify choice. The story of how God created the world appears in Genesis chapters 1 and 2. In the very next chapter, Genesis 3, we read how the serpent lured Adam and Eve into disobedience by asserting that God is deceptive, selfish, and not to be trusted. Did God really say, “You must not eat from any tree in the garden? . . . God knows that when you eat from [the tree in the middle of the garden] your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God . . .  (Genesis 3:1, 4).

Do you catch the irony in this church official’s logic? She appeals to the creation story and celebrates the fact that we have the “God-given inalienable right” to make choices, including the right to defy God.

But the entire point of Genesis 3 is that Adam and Eve’s horrendous choice to disobey set into motion all the calamities, destruction and heartache that have plagued the world ever since. There is an obvious parallel between her logic that we don’t have to submit to God and the serpent’s enticement of Adam and Eve to rebel against him. Should a person whose job it is to represent Jesus and God actually be applauding people’s ability to walk away from God? What the author fails to recognize is, although we are not required to worship and obey God, we were designed to do so.

There are two things I hope you take away from this post:

1. Not everyone who claims to represent God necessarily gets the message right. First John 4:1 says, “Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.” It pains me to feel the need to criticize a church official. The purpose of my blog has always been to offer positive encouragement to my readers. This is the first post that includes critical comments about anyone, but I believe her position is seriously misguided.

2. Back to the nuns. Just as their car was designed to run on diesel fuel, so, we were designed to love, worship and obey God. The sisters certainly were free to put either gasoline or diesel into their car. Unfortunately, they unwittingly chose poorly, and the consequences were disastrous for them.

When it comes to your choices, the best way to avoid shipwrecking your life is through choosing to remain faithful to our loving God. May God empower us to grow in our worship, obedience, and trust!

I Was Stunned When I Read This Statement from Someone Who Should Know Better

The recent Supreme Court ruling that reverses Roe v. Wade may end up being THE top story of 2022. It has unleashed from both sides a flood of emotion-laden tweets, blog posts, and articles.

Right after the decision was announced, I came across a column that left me speechless. The writer is a top official – the Associate General Minister of Justice and Local Church Ministries – in a denomination I belonged to when I was in high school. Historically, this denomination has had less faith in the Bible’s authority than I have.

The column’s writer is a long-time abortion rights advocate and explains why she considers pro-life Christians hypocritical. Space does not allow me to discuss all her arguments, but I do have to comment on something she said that made my jaw drop:

The right to choose is part of our God-given inalienable rights. As a Christian, the creation story says it’s the right of every human being to have choice – that God gives us choice. GOD DOESN’T EVEN MANDATE WORSHIP. GOD DOESN’T EVEN MANDATE OBEDIENCE TO GOD. Human beings have the right to make these decisions for themselves, and women shouldn’t have to jeopardize their lives because they make such a decision (emphasis added).

I had to read this paragraph a few times to make sure I was reading correctly. In one sense, she is right. God doesn’t FORCE US to worship or be obedient to him. But, from cover to cover, the Bible teaches that we were designed to know God and worship him.

• The very first of the Ten Commandments states: “I am the Lord your God. . . . You shall have no other God’s before me” (Exodus 20:2-3).  Sounds like worship and obedience to me.

• Psalm 100:2 instructs us to “Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.”

• Jesus, referencing Deuteronomy 6:13, says, “It is written:  Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only” (Matthew 4:10)

There is no doubt that God created us to worship him. And part of worshiping is obeying him. Jesus himself says, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teachings” (John 14:23). So, technically, the author is correct. God gives us the choice to worship and obey him or not. But EVERYTHING in the Bible teaches we should.

Does the fact that we can choose something make it an acceptable option? Here are some choices to ponder:

• Cain CHOSE to kill his brother Abel.

• Idi Amin CHOSE to slaughter, by some estimates, up to 300,000 of his fellow Ugandans.

• Just this week, a young man CHOSE to open fire on a 4th of July parade in Highland Park, Illinois.

Let me close by relating a very personal brush with the nonsensical and even dangerous nature of this reasoning.

Unfortunately, my only sibling, an older brother, suffered from schizophrenia, and he ended up committing suicide by hanging while a patient in a Virginia mental hospital. My wife, kids and I went down there for his memorial service. During the service, my dad – who throughout his whole adult life CHOSE to reject virtually every conventional societal norm – gave a talk celebrating choices. He described how his own father CHOSE to end his life by jumping in front of a train. And then he explained my brother made a similar choice to kill himself

This talk was wrong on three levels.

1. My dad's comments and logic were exactly parallel to what this pastor said in her column:  We have the right to make any choice we want to. Neither my dad nor the pastor placed any limits on our choices.

2. My dad made these remarks in a room filled with mental hospital patients. Do you think his comments could have given permission to or even encouraged some of the mentally unstable patients to follow my brother's example?

3. My kids (who were 11 and 9 at the time) were supposed to be at the service. There is no way I was going to let them hear that it was OK that their Uncle Gary chose to end his life. Right before the service, I got wind of what my dad was going to say and asked my wife Annette to take them out of the room when my dad was getting ready to talk. 

Yes, choices are wonderful, as long as they are made within the boundaries God has established. God help us if a senior leader of a large Christian denomination can so thoroughly turn the core message of the Bible – that we were created to love, worship and obey God – on its head to elevate our ability to choose above life itself and above worshiping God!

The ABSOLUTE BEST Bible Passage for Resolving an Age-Old Debate

NOTE: Since this message from January 24, 2018 is one of my favorites, I am repeating it .

God has blessed me with wonderful Christian friends from various faith traditions:  Presbyterian, Methodist, Catholic, Baptist, Charismatic, non-denominational, Wesleyan, and others.  Although we all agree on the central issues of the faith – what C. S. Lewis would call “mere Christianity” – we sometimes have different “takes” on certain principles of Christian living.  

A core issue for believers concerns how “demanding” we can be in prayer.  Jesus himself promised several times that we can ask anything of God and expect him to answer as long as these prayers are “claimed” in the context of God’s sovereignty.  After all, he is the God of the universe, and I’m not, so he may have outcomes I can’t see from my limited perspective.

But this raises a vexing problem.  How can I pray confidently, expecting an answer not knowing if what I’m asking is really God’s will?

Some Christians stress our unfettered access to our loving heavenly father and boldly ask for miraculous interventions.  If you extrapolate this position to the extreme, it can almost border on the “name it and claim it” false theology – insisting that God apply one of his promises exactly the way I want it to look.  

Other Christians are more reserved and, following Jesus’ example in the garden, stress prayer’s “nevertheless, not my will but yours” aspect.  Taken to an extreme, this position approaches “practical deism.”   That is, although I ask God to intervene on my behalf, I really don’t expect him to do anything, so he more or less becomes a non-entity in my daily life.

How do we resolve this tension between perhaps being presumptuous on the one hand and being “of little faith” on the other?  

There is no better Bible passage to address this than Daniel 3:17-18.  Enemies of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego ratted them out to Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar for not worshipping the golden image the king had set up.  The penalty?  Incineration in a furnace hot enough to instantly kill the soldiers who threw the three into it.

Given one last chance to reconsider, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego answered:

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it . . . .  But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”   

That’s it!  The perfect blend of believing God’s power and a willingness to continue trusting him even if his will doesn’t match my personal agenda.  If God could make the Milky Way and the Grand Canyon, and if he could bring Jesus back from death, certainly he is able to suspend the laws of nature to preserve the three from the flames.  But will he?  I can and should ask for the miraculous, but God may be after other things.  That’s his business.  My job is to trust him even if my prayers are not answered precisely as I think they should be.  So ask away, and rejoice regardless of the outcome.  

Thank you for this transformational insight, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego!

Is God Paying You a Compliment?

I’m not a gardener. So many things can go wrong that when a plant is struggling, and I have no idea what the problem is. Is it getting too much sun? Not enough? Does it need fertilizer? Is the ground too sandy? Is there too much clay? Did I overwater it? Underwater it? Are there bugs?

A couple of years ago, we had some shrubs in front of the house that were on death watch, and given the complexities of plant science, we decided to just start over. The challenge was finding a single shrub variety that could thrive in conditions ranging from full sunlight to full shade. Very few are that adaptable, but we finally settled on a specific type of hawthorn that prefers sunlight but does reasonably well in shade.

Although all twelve plants were healthy, when it came to planting them, I made sure to put the very best and strongest specimens in the least favorable (that is, most shady) conditions. 

As I was planting them, it occurred to me that my placement decisions might parallel the life circumstances God allows in different people’s lives. Some seem to have it made. Everything consistently falls into place:  good health, great jobs, smooth family lives, few financial problems, etc.  Others experience just the opposite.

Chris, a friend I’ve been meeting with monthly for several years, seems to be a problem magnet. His family of origin was a total nightmare. His wife of two decades suddenly left him for another man, triggering a very expensive years-long custody fight. He experienced other issues with his adult children. And just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, he had a serious car accident that has left him with significant medical issues that threaten his ability to work.

I can only speculate about why God has allowed this tough, tough series of circumstances.  But my experience with planting the hawthorns makes me wonder if perhaps God is paying Chris a very high compliment. Just as I made sure to place the very strongest plants in the most demanding locations, could it be that God does the same and allows the most severe circumstances for those he knows can handle it the best? Remember Job and how God singled him out because of his righteousness?

This is consistent with the spirit of what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 – God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.  

I’m sure there were many times Chris was tempted to despair, but God has been faithful to sustain him in his faith. And he has not only endured but grown greatly. In fact, he is almost unrecognizable as the same man I started meeting with a few years ago. And it’s because of the adversity God has allowed in his life. Others might have crumbled but Chris hasn’t, and he serves as a powerful testimony to God’s grace.  

So, the next time you encounter a particularly rough spell, perhaps it’s God way of paying you a big compliment by recognizing the inner strength he has built into your life.  

NOTE: This post is an updated version of my post from May 17, 2018.

Why Would I Ever Want to Do Business with You?

“We have a problem. The hotel wants to charge us for 28 more room nights.”

It was the first day of our three-day conference in Chicago, and the meeting’s organizer dropped this bombshell on the group.

Many state hospital associations around the country have subsidiary corporations that offer products and services to their member hospitals in their respective states. Every year, those of us who ran those companies met to share our successes and challenges. And sometimes, one of the states would introduce a program they developed for possible adoption in our own states.

Attendance at these meetings typically ran about 15 – 20 people, but we had invited a top-notch, nationally known speaker for this Chicago meeting, something the group’s leaders thought would double attendance. They were so sure at least 30 people would attend that they guaranteed 60 rooms for our hotel block.

As it turned out, only 16 showed up, so we were 28 rooms short of our room count commitment. Consequently, the hotel asked us to write a check for more than $4,000.

The group had the means to make good on its obligation but obviously would rather not. “How do we handle this?” the organizer asked. As we sat around the table, people began throwing out ideas.  Here are a couple of the more “creative” ones.

• “We could tell them the person who signed the contract wasn’t authorized to do that, so we shouldn’t have to pay.” – This wasn’t true. The organizer herself had personally approved the agreement.

• Or, “Why don’t we tell them that if they write off our obligation, we’ll come back to their hotel for next year’s meeting?” – Also not true. We never repeated cities and there was zero chance we would return.

Several other deceptive ideas were floated.

In the end, we threw ourselves on the mercy of the hotel and got them to cut in half the amount we owed. But I learned an important lesson that day. I saw that some of my colleagues were willing to lie if it was to their advantage.

My lightning-quick mind put two and two together, and I recognized I would have to be on my guard the next time one of them approached me about adopting one of their services. If they have no scruples about lying about the hotel rooms, how would I know they’re not lying to me about some aspect of their programs?

This whole episode was very disappointing, but it remined me about the importance of reputation and integrity. The Old Testament is filled with admonitions about doing the right thing.

• In Psalm 15, among the 12 characteristics of people who “will never be shaken” are those "who keep their oath even when it hurts” (v. 4).

• Proverb 11:1 states, “Dishonest scales are an abomination to the Lord.”

And in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches that we should be so squeaky-clean honest that we would never feel the need to swear an oath. Our word should be sufficient. “’All you need to say is simply “Yes” or “No”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37).

Unfortunately, my professional acquaintances failed to follow these guidelines, and I saw it.

So how are you doing? Have you done anything before your family, friends or co-workers that demonstrates that you might not be 100% trustworthy?  If so, you might want to recalibrate your integrity meter, especially if you consider yourself a Christ-follower.

NOTE:  As many authors do, I sometimes change a few details in my writings for privacy purposes.

When a Big Deal Issue Suddenly Dissolves

During the summers between each of my college years, I worked as a counselor at the Dorothy P. Flint 4-H Camp in rural eastern Long Island. I loved that place, largely because of the great counselors on staff.

The fall after my first 4-H summer, I had the lifechanging experience of realizing that my stereotype of Christianity was all wrong. I thought you became a Christian by cleaning up your act and trying harder to be good. But I learned there’s nothing you can do to meet God’s standard of perfection. That’s pretty discouraging!

But there’s a good-news solution for this problem. Jesus died to take upon himself the penalty I deserve for falling short of God’s standards. That’s what Good Friday is all about! (By the way, I don’t even live up to my own standards.) Becoming a Christian involves acknowledging my sin, asking for the forgiveness Jesus offers, and inviting him to run things from now on. 

Coming into that relationship with him was truly revolutionary, and I wanted all my 4-H friends to experience this too.

As it turns out, about the same time I became a Christian, Jerry, one of the other counselors, had also found a new belief system – the Bahá'í faith. Bahá'ís recognize the validity of nine different great world religions and believe the latest prophet of God was a man named Bahá'u'lláh, a 19th Century Iranian. Since I don’t have the space to discuss the considerable differences between Christianity and the Bahá'í faith, let me just say they are not compatible.

The first I ever heard of the Bahá'í faith was from Jerry, and I was intrigued to learn more, probably for two reasons. As a relatively new Christian, I wanted to make sure I had hitched my wagon to the right star. Plus, I wanted to learn more about Jerry’s new faith so I could help him understand that the Bahá'í faith and Christianity are irreconcilable. So, I did a fair amount of research into this group over the next few years.

But then something happened.

I heard through the grapevine that after a few years, Jerry had rethought his belief system and no longer followed the Bahá'í faith. In an instant, this faith became a total non-issue for me. The only reason I originally cared about it was so I could have more meaningful conversations with my friend, but now none of that mattered.

As I’ve thought about this experience, I realized it offers a tiny, tiny glimpse of what the future holds for Christians. Our would is plagued by the pandemic, death, poverty, war, racism, hatred, and a host of other tragedies. But we know that some day all this will end. Anyone who has trusted Jesus to forgive their sins can anticipate spending eternity with him in heaven. Of course, we can’t fully comprehend what that will be like. But the New Testament describes what it will be like in the new heaven and earth:

He will wipe every tear from [his people’s] eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away (Revelation 21:4).

I don’t want to minimize our current afflictions, but the implication of this truth is that, just like the Bahá'í faith became instantly irrelevant to me, all my problems – physical ailments, relational problems, financial woes, discouragement, the fear of death, and every other concern – will someday only be a distant memory. How awesome is that!

But I should point out that this future only applies to those who have trusted Jesus to forgive their sins. Although Jesus clearly and repeatedly offered incredible truths about God’s love, he also stressed that many are headed for a horrific future. Of Jesus’ 40 parables, 18 (or nearly half) clearly teach that some are destined for eternal separation from God. In fact, he seemed to go out of his way introduce the concept of hell right in the middle of his most uplifting messages. The sharp right turn is almost shocking, and some people try to explain away his teaching about God’s judgment. But keep in mind that it’s a pretty bad idea to reject what Jesus clearly taught.

I truly hope that you will experience the blessings of a tearless, painless future free from death and disease when the “big deals” of this life melt away. And Happy Easter!

One of the Nicest Things My Wife Ever Said to Me

My wife Annette taught middle school science for 19 years. Like many organizations, the schools she worked in were mostly populated by wonderful people but also had a sprinkling of “how-does-this-person-keep-their-job” types. One individual in particular who seemed unusually difficult was one of her assistant principals. He consistently exhibited less common sense than most of the middle school students. Plus, he repeatedly failed to support the teachers, making their jobs much harder.

During one of our home Bible Studies, Annette was describing his latest foolish idea. Misbehaving students are often required to spend several days in the In-School Suspension (ISS) room as punishment. Annette explained that Mr. Brain Trust suggested the school buy a ping pong table for the ISS room so students would have something to do while in detention.

Think about that. An unmotivated student is bored in class, so he decides to act up in order to hone his ping pong skills. Great plan!

As Annette was explaining this idiotic proposal, she said, “Even though he has come up with dumb ideas in the past, this was the absolute stupidest thing he ever suggested. And it made me mad that he was pushing a plan that would make it harder for me to teach effectively. I don’t think I’ve ever been as mad at any adult in my entire life.” And then she added as she looked at me, “Well, . . . except you!”

The Bible Study group erupted into laughter, and I loved it! That’s one of the nicest things she ever said to me. It showed she is secure enough in our marriage that she has the freedom to express anger to me knowing I’m not going anywhere. And it’s reciprocal. I’ve been known to send some angry words in her direction. But early in our marriage, at Annette’s suggestion, we agreed we would never utter the word “divorce,” even in jest.

No relationship is stress-free, and, of course, negative comments should be few and far-between. Furthermore, the Apostle Paul encourages us to deal with conflict quickly and “not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Marriages or friendships built on mutual love, commitment, trust, and honesty can withstand minor “skirmishes.” Annette and I are both strong-willed and opinionated. And, believe it or not, I have sometimes been known to be stubborn and difficult to live with. But part of the reason we can express our occasional frustration with each other is that we have a baseline, unshakable commitment to never go away.

In the past, I’ve written about some of the difficult individuals in my family of origin. Having people like that in your life creates challenges when it comes to buying greeting cards for “personal” holidays like birthdays, Fathers’ Day or Mothers’ Day. Sending a sentiment like “you’re the glue that holds our family together” or “thank you for always caring” would be disingenuous. And some of the people I’m thinking about have no sense of humor, so the funny cards don’t work. That leaves me with the “enjoy your special day” type cards. Pretty bland.

I was pleased by the dilemma I faced this last Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t decide between two equally “warm” cards. Each expressed a sentiment I genuinely felt toward Annette. So, instead of choosing between the two, I got them both.

Annette recently came up with a great life-saying: 

“Be the kind of person it’s easy to buy a greeting card for.”

She embodies that! Part of what goes into being that type of person is a solid commitment to the important people in your life and a willingness to receive occasional negative feedback. If you live like this saying suggests, I suspect the people who are closest to you are secure enough in your relationship that they’re not afraid to be angry with you when you deserve it.

And for the record, I agreed that the ping pong table idea was idiotic.

What Is Your Passion Really Costing You?

It’s one of the most spectacular things I have ever seen in someone’s house. In fact, the only other time I saw a similar item was on a visit to the New York Historical Society Museum in Manhattan.

As I walked into my brother-in-law Frank’s family room, my eyes were drawn to a thirty-inch-long model of a steam locomotive and coal car. “What in the world is that?” I asked.

“It’s a working model of Baldwin 0-6-0 locomotive my grandfather built in 1935. He machined all the parts himself, and it’s fully functional. He used to have a track in his yard that it would run on. The thing is made of brass and steel, and it weighs about 45 pounds. He made a total of five locomotives over a period of forty years, all of them of different models. This was his first, and it’s actually the simplest of the five.”

“That’s crazy!” I said. “I can’t believe anyone could make one if these, let along five! How did you end up with it?”

“When my grandfather died in 1985, my grandmother gave it to me . . . because she hated it.”

“What!?” I exclaimed. “It’s amazing! How could she hate something so awesome?”

“Well,” he said, “most weekends, my grandfather would drive from his home in Southern Pines, NC to nearby Aberdeen to check and double-check his measurements so he could build exact scaled-down replica. Instead of being a real dad to his kids, he spent hours and hours and hours working on those locomotives Because of her husband’s neglect, my grandmother wanted nothing to do with any of them after he died, so I got this one.”

What a story! As an uniformed outsider, I was incredibly impressed by the locomotive’s beauty, craftsmanship and precision. I could no more produce something like that than I could run a 100-mile ultramarathon. Little did I know the dark side of Frank’s grandfather’s achievement.

We hear a lot these days about “following your passions,” and the word “passionate” shows up on many resumes. I’m in no way suggesting that you should not be fully committed to what you do. God intends you to live life to the max, and that includes thrusting yourself headlong into his calling on your life.

High achievers are driven to excellence, and that’s wonderful, as long as their activities don’t suck up the rest of their lives. In the world of entrepreneurship and startups, founders must dedicate countless hours trying to prevent their dream from ending up in an ash heap. There may be seasons that require intense focus, but if those periods merge into each other and last year after year, you just may live to regret it.

In the case of Frank’s grandfather, his “passion” lasted four decades, and, in his wife’s eyes, it cost him much more than the steel and brass used to fabricate his masterpieces.

I’m reminded of Jesus’ words in Luke 9:25:  “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?” Although the immediate context refer to Jesus’ requirement to follow him completely, I think one aspect of doing that is by living a balanced life that honors Jesus and appropriately prioritizes your responsibilities, not allowing your pet interests to overshadow what really matters.

What do you think?

Why It’s a Bad Idea to Second-Guess Your Decisions Demystifying Decision-Making – Part 2

Last time, I recommended a decision-making process that involves:

• Committing the decision to God through prayer

• Looking to Scripture to make sure the particular choice conforms to God’s ethical and moral standards

• Thoroughly investigating each alternative

• Seeking insights from wise, credible, and trusted friends and colleagues

• Determining if circumstances may be pointing in a certain direction

Then I made the somewhat controversial assertion that, if you have followed this process and are truly willing to follow God’s will as you understand it, then you can move forward confidently knowing you are doing what God wants even if subsequent circumstances prove catastrophic.

(You can scroll down to my previous post for more insights into these points.)

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus makes what’s called a “lesser to greater” argument. He reminds us that no father would give his son a snake if he asked for a fish or a scorpion if he asked for an egg.  “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:31).

Can you imagine this situation? A child earnestly asks their parent for wisdom about an important decision and commits to do whatever the parent recommends, but the parent either fails to answer or intentionally misleads the child. That would never happen. So, why would you think your loving heavenly Father would do that?

Last time, I promised to offer five reasons why second-guessing decisions made according to this approach – even if things subsequently go terribly wrong – is a bad idea. Here they are:

1. Second-guessing dishonors God – It shows you don’t really trust that he acted like the good parent, and he failed to lead you down the right road.

2. You are not at the end point – Even if you face negative circumstances today, the story may not be over. Things might look grim now, but they could improve or even do a complete 180 in the future.

3. Second-guessing overlooks the “God Factor” – Even though we want important decisions to result in smooth sailing down the road, God may be using the unfortunate developments to help you grow in new ways. Your character and your ability to trust God are more important to him than your circumstances are.

4. You are probably comparing your current situation against an idealized version of the alternatives – If your college freshman roommate turns out to be nightmare, you might wish you had accepted the offer from that other school. But how do you know that things would have been any better there? Maybe your roommate there would have been even worse, or maybe you would have had some terrible professors.

5. Second-guessing is useless – You can’t unscramble an egg or un-ring a bell. Lamenting over your decision will only distract you from picking up the pieces and moving forward.

A former church where I was an elder encountered rough waters that resulted from a complicated decision, they had made a few years previously. Due to unforeseen circumstances beyond anyone’s control, they were having to regroup and consider their next step. Because the original direction was determined by consensus rather than unanimity, one of the pastors began questioning whether we should have followed the “minority report” recommendation.

I respectfully but strongly challenged that thought. About twenty godly people had prayerfully followed a lengthy process and considered every possible angle. Had we known then what we knew now, we might have gone a different way. But of course we didn’t know. I can’t believe that nearly two dozen godly people somehow missed God’s will after they did their homework and repeatedly prayed for wisdom. That would be assuming that God had given us a scorpion instead of an egg.

The next time you face unanticipated headwinds flowing from an important decision made according to the principles outlined above, do this:

• Remind yourself that you did everything right

• Seek God’s direction for the next step

• Learn any appropriate lessons for future decisions

• Above all, keep trusting God and remain confident that he will continue to lead you down the right path